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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24170857">Denial in Acceptance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeceitfulMeans/pseuds/DeceitfulMeans'>DeceitfulMeans</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:02:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,616</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24170857</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeceitfulMeans/pseuds/DeceitfulMeans</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone in the famILY has accepted Janus, but no one ever thought that his own lies would say otherwise.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders &amp; Deceit Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders/Deceit Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Lies and More Lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Warnings:<br/>- Slightly unsympathetic Virgil/Roman/Logan, but they do get better <br/>-Suicidal thoughts<br/>-Angst </p><p>Song: "Burned Out" by Dodie</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas may have accepted Janus - and it did show, sometimes at least. </p><p>While Thomas started asking his inputs and opinions just like he did the others, Janus still felt like something was...off. And he was fully aware of it, too. He was actually surprised when Patton was the first to not only accept him but truly embrace him as well. He would knock on his door for meals, ask him how his day was, invite him to movie night, etc - and while Janus didn't express it verbally - he really appreciated the moral side's kindness. <br/>But this time, Patton wasn't the issue. </p><p>Roman apologized for the times he claimed he was evil, or trying to hold Thomas back, but Janus could hear the hesitance in his voice. The lies on his tongue.  To Roman, Janus was still just "Deceit" - and he knew that. Roman may be a talented actor - good enough to fool the others, but not him. But still, the last thing he wanted was to be the cause of another argument, so he just thanked him and nodded, and the subject was dropped. <br/>Virgil and Janus had their problems in the past - and admittedly, not all of them were resolved yet. They've talked, but he could tell that the anxious side was still hesitant to trust him with just about anything he said or did. Janus didn't entirely blame him for that - he made his own mistakes and admitted to them - but at the same time, Virgil, like Roman, seemed to believe that there was a secret, hidden evil beneath his honest attempts to be helpful to them and Thomas, and it kept them from growing closer or having any truly deep conversations with each other. And it hurt. <br/>Logan was a wild card. He was intelligent, sharp-witted, and knew just as much - if not more about the philosophies he cared so much for. If Logan was on his side, then maybe he'd actually have a fighting chance to win the others' approval. But he just seemed to remain neutral - showing no fear, but not offering any input that would otherwise actually help him. He also constantly felt that he was being judged by the logical side. Maybe it was just him, but it seemed like every time he opened his mouth or offered an idea - Logan would raise an eyebrow or sigh, or any other action that would make his disapproval known. </p><p>It was after dinner that night after Janus got back to his room, he broke. <br/>He couldn't take much more of Roman's rude-but-trying-to-be-funny comments, or Virgil's sneers, or Patton's "pretending like everything's okay" attitude. His vision went blurry with tears as he sunk onto his bed, and started sobbing into his arms. He shook as he cried, fighting the urge to scream, wishing so desperately that someone would hear him and tell him that everything would be okay, and that he was loved, needed, and cared for. <br/>But that didn't happen. <br/>He lied in bed as exhaustion took over his body, his mind repeatedly playing the last stanza from a song that he'd grown accustomed to listening to for the past few weeks:</p><p>"Don't build hope on something broken<br/>I am not cartoon<br/>Cry for help<br/>I am not joking<br/>I might just leave soon"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. It Gets Worse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Janus shares a meal with the other sides, and it doesn't go according to plan.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for:<br/>-Unsympathetic Roman (Don't worry, he gets better!)<br/>-Insults</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janus rarely retaliated when he was insulted by one of the others. </p><p>Honestly, it felt like everything that came out of their mouths was true when it came to him, even though as soon as they threw their stones, they would go back to living in their own separate glass houses. </p><p>He felt fatigued when he woke up the next morning, heavy with exhaustion and worry. It was Saturday - movie night for the rest of the sides, and like the last couple of weeks, Patton had insisted on Janus joining them. Even though it wasn't until that evening, the knots in his stomach were already starting to form. He took a few slow, deep breaths - doing the same exercise Virgil had shown Thomas - and got dressed in his signature outfit before making his way downstairs where the other sides were already having breakfast. Patton was at the stove, singing to himself as he put a few slices of bacon on a plate, smiling happily when he saw Janus.</p><p>"Hey Dec-I mean Janus, it's great to see you this morning! I hope you slept well! Sit on down and I'll get you a plate ready! Is bacon alright, or do you not eat meat, or should I-"</p><p>Snorting slightly, the deceitful side held up his gloved hand. "It's...not fine, Patton. I'm not thankful at all that you even made breakfast." Patton giggled as he set a plate full of vanilla and cinnamon pancakes, bacon, and sunny side up eggs in front of him, and then a cup of hot coffee with just a bit of milk beside it. <br/>"It's no trouble, Janus! I hope you like it. The others should be up anytime now." Janus took a sip of coffee, hoping that it would somehow calm his pounding heart. (And knowing full well it wouldn't.) And sure enough, just a moment later, Logan emerged from his room and down the stairs, dressed in his traditional shirt and tie. <br/>"Good morning, Patton...Janus." He gave a nod towards him, and sat down across from him. <br/>"Logan." Janus nodded back to him - and made sure he saw him so he didn't think he wasn't ignoring him. Luckily, Logan didn't add any unnecessary comments or attempt any small talk and went right to reading to the newspaper that was already waiting for him at the table. A tiny bit of relief came to his stomach, but it immediately returned as Roman and Virgil ventured down the stairs just a moment later. Virgil was still in his pajamas, as expected, while Roman was dressed and ready to face whatever the day had for him. Patton had just sat Logan's plate down as the two came into the kitchen.</p><p>"Awww, everyone's here this morning! Man, I love a good family breakfast! It just doesn't seem to happen enough around here anymore!" <br/>"And good morning to you too, Patton! You sure are chipper this morning!" Roman said as he made a scene of dramatically pulling out his chair and sitting next to the logical side, side-eying Janus. Virgil calmly took a seat next to Janus, giving him a slight side smile that eased the anxiety within him. Virgil must be in a decent mood today - or he could sense the worry in him, which was the more likely scenario. Janus might be able to sense any falsehoods said by other sides - but Virgil could sense when a side was worried, and the more anxious one felt, the stronger he felt, too. </p><p>"Well, it's nice to see that the snake isn't the last one to show up for breakfast for once," Roman said as he slathered a piece of toast with some Crofter's. Patton gave him a soft slap on the hand.<br/>"Roman!" Roman scoffed and rolled his eyes. <br/>'It was just a joke, Patton! He knows I didn't really mean it!" </p><p>Patton shook his head and crossed his arms. <br/>"For some reason, I just don't think that's true, Roman. You've been acting so...badly towards Janus ever since Thomas accepted him! He's part of our family now, and you need to treat him like he is!" Roman stood up just then, surprising Patton, and everyone else at the table. It was like his mood went from 10 to 0 within a matter of seconds. He glared at Janus, who felt his heart drop to his stomach. He crossed his arms. </p><p>"Why on earth would I treat the serpent that's constantly trying to get us to eat the forbidden fruit as family?"</p><p>The table fell silent after that. <br/>Patton's eyes widened and he covered his mouth. Logan had put down his newspaper and seemed to be in a state of shock as well. Virgil felt a cold chill run throughout his body, and he couldn't tell if it was with anger, horror, or both. Roman knew the second that those words left his mouth, he said the wrong thing. But the damage had been done, and nothing could ever, ever take back what he had just said.</p><p>Janus had paled as soon as Roman had stood up. His vision had blurred, and it was getting so, so difficult to breathe. He could feel everyone's eyes on him, and he couldn't take it any longer. Slowly, he stood up as Patton slowly tried to reach out for him, but Janus snapped away from him in fear, and as quickly as he could, made his way up the stairs and back to his room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Darkness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Janus breaks down.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His room was a sanctuary at times, but often, it was just a reminder of his past.</p>
<p>Maybe it would help a bit if he cleaned up and decorated, but he honestly hadn't had the energy to do anything of the sort in a long time, especially now as he locked his door, then sunk down to the floor. He noticed he was shaking, <em>(How long has he been shaking?)</em> and his vision was starting to blur. Janus tried for maybe half a second to crawl over to his bed but lost the motivation once he attempted to move, and just collapsed back onto the carpet, taking off his hat and clutching it close to his chest as tears rolled from his eyes.</p>
<p>
  <em>"He's right. I'm the worst thing that could've ever happened to them.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>It's no wonder they all hate me.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But I try...oh, I try so hard..."</em>
</p>
<p>His thoughts were in a whirlwind as the room slowly faded from his view, and into darkness.</p>
<p>When he woke, Janus understandably felt sore as he weakly opened his eyes. The first thing he noticed is that he was tucked into his bed, and his electric blanket was on. A stuffed snake was curled up next to him, and his hat had been placed on the rack. Confused, he slowly sat up, noticing how tired he felt right after. After reaching for his phone, he realized he'd passed out, as it was nearly three in the afternoon at this point. It took a moment, but it slowly all came flooding back to him, and a sinking feeling made its way to the bottom of his stomach.</p>
<p>A panic attack. Virgil used to have them constantly, but he never experienced one himself. Or if he did, it's been years since then. Only then, his face flushed with embarrassment, knowing that to have woken up in his own bed, someone must've come in and seen him in such a state.<br/><em>" I definitely must've not looked like a wreck then,"</em> He thought as he started to move the blankets out of the way to get up, only to stop short once a short knock at the door came, and then opened right after.</p>
<p>Virgil stood there sheepishly, giving a nervous lopsided grin.</p>
<p>"You know, you're the one that taught me how to pick locks."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>TW for panic attack, but nothing too graphic.</p>
<p>I'm sorry it took so long for me to update!</p>
<p>Follow me on Tumblr at paravigilant-virgil</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Conversing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Janus and Virgil have a talk.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Janus didn't say anything as his heart calmed down from the surprise of the door opened. After he recovered, he anxiously pulled his cloak closer to his body and looked away. </p>
<p>"Can I help you, Virgil? Or have you come here to throw insults as well? If so, please get started. I have plans later and would prefer not to miss them."  </p>
<p>Virgil rolled his eyes as he walked into his room and calmly shut the door, taking a seat next to him.<br/>"First off, no you don't. Second, I wouldn't come up here to insult you after...all of that." he said as waved his hands in the direction of the kitchen. "I'd rather insult you on my own time, like friends do." <br/>"How kind of you." Janus deadpanned as he returned his eye roll. Virgil picked at his nails for a moment before he looked back up at him and sighed. </p>
<p>"Look...I'm sorry Roman acted like such a jerk towards you. Honestly, I thought he was at least starting to attempt some kind of friendship towards you. Hell, even acquaintance, or overly-friendly waiter at a restaurant quality would be okay, but I didn't realize he was still so...upset over what happened between you both. You didn't deserve it." Virgil bit his nails more as he talked. Janus' eyes softened a bit, and he half-smiled as he gently pulled his hand away from his mouth.</p>
<p>"Thank you, Virgil. That...does help a bit, but you shouldn't have to apologize for him. I know that I'm...unwanted by most people here. I've been thinking that perhaps they're correct." He turned his head again, gripping his cloak even tighter. <br/>Virgil gently took his hand again, making him look up. "Now, I may not be the best liar in the mindscape, but I can tell you for sure that that isn't true, Jan. Patton has been trying harder than anyone else to make you feel accepted as one of us, and he did the same thing for me once he opened his mind a bit. Logan may have his qualms, but he's still willing to give you a chance. I've seen him talk to you about philosophy and that other boring junk you both like. And me...." he paused and sighed again. "I won't lie. You...you really hurt me in the past, Janus. We used to be so close, the best of friends. But as we got older...it just seemed you wanted to hold me back. You made life more difficult for both me and Thomas, and I hated it. I didn't think I'd ever get over it, and maybe I haven't completely...but at least now, I understand why you did some of the things you did. I'm not saying that that makes what you did okay, but...I don't hate you. Do I trust you? That's a completely different story, but I still like you. And I want to repair our relationship." </p>
<p>Taken back a bit, Janus' eyes widen at the anxious side's monologue before responding. <br/>"Virgil...thank you. I really mean it this time, that actually...helped a bit. And as much as I hate to admit it: You're completely right. I did things in the past that I'm certainly not proud of. I did manipulate, gaslight...just about everything in order to get my way. A few times, I had my reasons, but that didn't make it better. I was selfish. I shouldn't have done things in that way." he sighed as he looked him in the eyes. "I'm so sorry, Virgil. For everything. I know just saying sorry isn't going to make up for anything, but I still want to properly apologize. And I still want to be your...friend." </p>
<p>Virgil nodded and gave a half smile, the anxiety within him easing a bit. <br/>"I know...and thank you. It's not going to be the easiest journey to the happy famILY that Patton wants, but I know we can get there eventually." Janus let out a breath of relief that he didn't know he was holding as he nodded. <br/>"No family goes without it's bumps along the way. It's unrealistic to think that we'll ever be perfect...because we just won't be. We're going to have disagreements, fights, and God knows what else will happen, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on all of the progress that I've made with everyone. I want this...more than anything, Virge." </p>
<p>"I know, Jan. And we're going to get you there. I promise."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Here's a longer chapter to make up for my really short one! Hope you like it!</p>
<p>Follow me on Tumblr at paravigilant-virgil</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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